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 Feedback on My Story?

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Posts : 5
Join date : 2011-08-14
Age : 22
Location : Arkansas, USA

Feedback on My Story? Empty
PostFeedback on My Story?

Okay, I'm writing a story, and I was hoping that you guys could give me some feedback on the first section/chapter. Please and thanks!

Soliel City (Archaea Continent)
February 4, 1225
1:52 A.M.

The streetlights gave little illumination in the dark street. The woman ran as fast as her high heels would allow her. Her red dress flapped in the gentle breeze of the silent city. The alleyways were a maze, going on forever between the tall buildings. The woman tried to call for help, but each breath was raw in her throat. Hoarse breathing and heavy steps pursued her doggedly for a ways before suddenly disappearing.
The woman slowed from her frantic sprint, looking back over her shoulder. The alleyways she had come from were shadowed. The nightly fog had descended thickly among the tall brick buildings, masking both shadows and sounds.
A protruding stone caught her toe, and the woman fell to the ground. Her purse skidded in front of her, scattering her belongings across the ground. A pen fell nearby, barely visible in the dark, and the woman scrabbled for it. The clouds parted for an instant, the moon shining silver light into the small courtyard. A dark shadow in the moonlight fell across her pale and slender hand.

A piercing scream ripped through the air, and the two children jerked awake. The boy sat bolt upright, but the girl was slower to wake.
“What was that?” the boy asked.
“I dunno, sounded pretty loud,” his sister replied sleepily as she rubbed her eyes.
“I think it was a scream. Come on, Amy, let’s go check it out.”
The boy swung his feet out of bed and pulled his shirt on. The girl sat up and watched him.
“No way. C’mon, Tad, it was probably just someone playing around.”
“But what if it wasn’t? Aren’t you curious? I’ll go get Dad’s gun, so we’ll be safe.”
“I’m not coming,” Amy replied. She hoped that the idea of going out into the dark street alone would scare her brother into not going. The scream had disturbed her, and she wanted to curl back up in bed and forget the sound. Their parents had apparently not awakened. That was a good thing. They were always angry at night.
Amy's brother was ready to go. His blue eyes sparkled with curiosity.
“Stay if you want. I’m gonna go check it out.”
Tad left the room quietly, and she heard him go down the hall towards the closet where the pistol was hidden.
Amy hesitated for a minute. She couldn’t let her little brother go out in the street alone at night, not after hearing that scream. She got up, still dressed in the clothes that she had worn the day before, and grabbed a flashlight. Making sure not to wake her parents, she crept downstairs and out the door.

There was a thin layer of fog, and her breath misted faintly before her. Amy looked around, the flashlight’s beam illuminating the specks of mist before her.
“Tad?” she called. “Tad, where are you?”
Amy heard a sound behind her, and she turned.
“Amy? You came?” Tad asked, coming out from the alleyway beside their house.
“Not like I could let you come by yourself,” she replied in a quavering voice as he came into the light. Apparently it hadn’t occurred to him to take a flashlight, but the light reflected off the chrome barrel of the gun. He clutched it tightly in his white hand, and she saw that the safety was off. Maybe he was more scared than she had thought.
“Good thinking, bringing the light,” he told her. “I think it came from behind the house. It was pretty close.”
They crept behind the tall building and came to the adjacent alleyway. They walked along the alley, trying not to make any noise. They rounded the corner beside the bridge and came to the small cobblestone square, with a fountain in the center. Tad gasped beside her, and Amy’s trembling hand dropped the flashlight. It bounced and rolled a few inches, coming to rest on the cobbled stone. The light illuminated the courtyard before them, casting it in a faint half-light.

It was crouched over the body of a woman in her mid-twenties. She was dressed for a nightclub, and she was missing a shoe. Her abdomen was torn open by the massive claws, and blood was splattered across the stones.
Caught delicately between its claws, a pale blue wisp glowed in the fog. It reached out with a long, dark tongue and caught the wisp. It brought the light up near its face. The pale light illuminated its dark mouth, and the wisp disappeared between horrid, jagged teeth and crushing jaws.
The shadowed figure turned slowly to them. Amy tried to move, tried to scream, tried to tell Tad to run. Her entire body was frozen, and she was captivated by the dark crimson eye.

Yeah... that's it. My wonderful and inspiring story. It doesn't feel just right, so please tell me what I can fix!
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Feedback on My Story? :: Comments

Re: Feedback on My Story?
Post on Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:20 am  ❤Fatal☠Lover❤
You did really good and I love it though I must make a few comments.

This sentance is slightly off.

Her purse skidded in front of her, scattering her belongings across the ground.

It should be worded like this because you are talking about the purse directly not the woman.

Her purse skidded in front of her, scattering its contents across the ground.

Other than that error I think you did exceptionally well.

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